Turning off the "Mommy"

I've spent a lot of time lately bonding with my SIL in ways, that 3 years ago I would have never imagined possible and now that we are both expecting within two weeks of each other, I think our bond has strengthened even more!  Lately, we've been discussing decompressing, anxiety and just wanting to turn off the "mommy"!

We've shared a lot of stories about our hormones and emotions and how sometimes we just feel so grumpy etc. Though I'm pretty sure she's fibbing a bit, she seems to be handling her "crazy" much better than I am. If you've been following my blog at all, you can see I'm pretty open about my "crazy" and not so shy with who gets to see it!

On July 4th, we left our home in Vancouver, just Ava and I.  We have been staying with my parents for the last 5 weeks and while I appreciate everything they do for us, it's very clear that Miss Ava is definitely starting to REALLY miss her Daddy and I don't blame her cause I miss her Daddy too! Not just because he's an amazing father who has the most incredible way with her, but he's my best friend and he does so much for our family! This mommy needs a hug!

There is this moment that I have after Ava and I have spent just a little too much time together. When when you start hearing the word "Mommy" and just the tone in which it's said makes you want to scream, cry, and run away all at the same time. I don't know if it's a girl thing but my goodness "Mommy, I can't find my hairbrush" just makes me cringe. The inner me wants to scream," RUN AVA RUN!"

 

It's that moment, when you look in the mirror and all you see is "Mommy."  You need sometime to decompress and find yourself again! When you haven't had a grown up conversation or even a moment of silence in who knows how long. Suddenly you realize it's been a week since you washed your hair and you begin to wonder why you got out of bed today.  Yes this is me lately and I think this is a lot of mommies out there.

Unfortunately, I don't think we have quite yet built up enough of a support system within our mommies to be able to show our "crazy" when you need too, to feel defeated and to cry without feeling weak.  I've said for a long time, that these little beings are like mind ninja's they get in there  and then all of a sudden, you are a mess and you're screaming at the girl in the Tim Horton's Drive- Thru.

The other night, Ava went from this sweet little girl to the "I don't want to" monster! It wasn't pretty! Trying to explain to her that "I don't want to" isn't a valid excuse and that thing we do EVERY single night called brush our teeth.. isn't a surprise and to "get your butt in the bathroom and brush your teeth" ....

"I don't want to!"

It went from bad to just plain old ugly really quickly. Dad had to be called and then I see this sweet little girl returning..... Wait for it.... nope just kidding the monster is still here! Then I'm in tears crying! Yes, I'm aware that children are kind of like bears! They smell fear and even worse...they prey on it and I just threw a big ol' steak to the angry bear!

That's it....I've spent too much time in mommy land lately. My sister-in-law has spent too much time in mommy land lately!  I'm sure HALF the mommies reading this have spent too much time in Mommy land.  We have this need to be a perfect mommy raising perfect children and if we do chose to go back, a lot of us becoming obsessed with being the perfect employee.  You can't do it all, unless you ask for help! So take a deep breathe, realize that what you're doing is developing the future and that is a big deal! The only person expecting you to truly be perfect is you! It is ok to not finish everything or to not want to hear the word "Mommy" any more for the day. 

Being a mommy is a HARD job and it's ok to ask someone else to give you a break, whether it's your children's father, your boyfriend, you brother, your uncle, your best friend! In order to be a good mommy...you have be a good person which means being good to yourself! It is ok to turn off the "mommy" and no it doesn't make you a bad mommy! It makes you human!

Pregnancy Hormones and coffee

 I've been trying all week to do a new blog and I've gotten many started but this week and well last week, I'm just not feeling it! There are a lot of topics that I'd like to write about but my personal life, pregnancy hormones and stress seems to be taking over. A lot of it is extremely personal so those areas will be off limits for now until they've run their natural course but as depicted in the story below.. pregnancy hormones and coffee or lack of, can make for some rough times!

I look at this pregnancy and don't get me wrong, I love my little being that is growing inside but the hormones have been a bit much! I often wonder have the hormones caused me to do any permanent damage to my 5 year old Ava or is she still young enough to not remember that time when Mommy turned into a monster?   My patience is shot, my memory is terrible and I'm grouchy! I don't want to be understanding, I don't want to easy going, and I don't want to feel like a child throwing a tantrum anymore cause I just don't want to! I want to be pregnant and have people understand that my hormones are crazy and not to stick your fingers in the damn bear cage!

 

I'm so terribly confused because I cannot tell if my hormones are playing tricks on me or if I have just cause for being so short at times. The following story is a perfect example of pregnancy hormones at its highest and scariest, don't say I didn't warn you!

The trip to Saskatoon, we were leaving Golden BC, after a very short sleep from an emotional night and short my morning coffee.  I find myself in the line up for Tim Horton's on our way out of town. Of course the guy in front of me orders a damn sandwich, when all I want is my cup of coffee. I'm hormonal, I'm tired and my 5 year old has decided to start the morning off by asking questions about everything and everything.

So I wait.. and I wait! Foot tapping..."Come on... I just want my coffee!" The guy finally gets his sandwich, it feels like it's been 10 minutes at this point. I now have to explain to my daughter why I cannot honk at him, he very slowly leaves the drive-through.  So I'm at the window with my money in my hand holding it out the window and eagerly towards her at the window. She finishes taking the order of the person at the menu board.. she's going to take my money now and hand me my coffee now right? WRONG..... she talks to her co-worker for a second and I explode. I actually yelled out loud with my child in the back seat, "GIVE ME MY DAMN COFFEE!"

 

Now I'm embarrassed right? Wrong again! I'm even more mad because she blankly stares at me then says," 2 milk?" I proceed to almost rip this poor girl apart explaining to her that "I'm pregnant and I'm tired and I just want the double-double I ordered. So two sugars and two creams, not two milks!"  We bicker back and forth about what she said, what she's handing me and why I don't have time for this crap, and by the way...she still hasn't given me my damn coffee! I'm not even a time bomb at this point cause I've already exploded but she's now about to get hit with a pile of tears if she doesn't just give me my damn coffee NOW!

Anyways, she hands me the coffee... it's terrible! I just drive and begin to start crying! I cried from Golden until 30 minutes before Lake Louise!  I truly feel for the girl in the drive-through at Tim Horton's, so if you read this by some weird off chance.. I'M SORRY!

So this is me right now and it means I'm having a hard time updating my blog...so please bear with me and for all my mommy friends, if you have any advice for dealing with the pregnancy hormones please pass them along. Crying into my pancakes was one thing but losing my mind of a poor innocent girl is another! HELP!