After the birth of my 1st daughter in January of 2009, I did not feel right. It took a long time for me to identify what the problem was. Most of time when I get "down", I tend to view it as being somewhat homesick, especially now after having a baby. I had a really difficult time knowing what was real, what was normal and how do I stop feeling this way? I was lonely, I wanted my parents, I wanted my friends, I wanted to not feel scared! Bruce had always been there for me and he is my best friend, however he is not a female, trying to vocalize some of the things I felt were not as relatable to a man as they were to a girlfriend, if I had one there to lean on!
A while back, I touched on my pregnancies being classified as "High Risk", my first pregnancy really did a number on me! I was labelled as an "incompetent cervix", which is truly an awful term in every single regard. Nothing about me or my cervix is incompetent, we are just sensitive! Being stamped "High Risk", people ask you to explain and then you say Incompetent. Every time that you say it, it feels like the ink is darkening and none of these terms are fun to converse about. They are not often spoken about, so you get a lot of eyebrow lifts and in that moment, I did not want to discuss it anymore! I didn't want to be labelled, categorized, stamped, I would not allow this define me as a pregnant woman!
We moved out to Burnaby into our first apartment together and shortly thereafter, I was put on modified bed rest, which meant that I was to get out of bed to go to the bathroom etc., but to not really do any walking. After having spent the last 2 years living in the downtown core of Vancouver, most of my friends had always remained within walking distance and now I was technically in another city. You even had to do a sky train transfer *GASP*, which meant that I wasn't going to be getting any visitors. No one came to see me. I was at home, sometimes with Bruce, but no friends to see or people to converse with and I was "incompetent"?!
I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Ava Blaire who was 7lbs, 7oz, and 19.5 inches long. She came into this world like the true Rock Star that she is, a day late at 3:55pm. She came out healthy and a dream come true!
We went home and I was supposed to be happy! I had this beautiful bouncing baby girl and all the pictures show the mommie as being so happy, they had that new mommy glow, why didn't I? Why didn't I sit and stare at her while she was sleeping and revel in every single breastfeeding moment? Why was I so short and angry with almost every single person? I just didn't feel anything really, and what I did feel, didn't feel good... at all!
I began to research mood disorders and had my Ah-ha moment! Things clicked in place, it made sense, I was suffering from postpartum depression, I knew it! I immediately called my doctor, made an appointment and KEPT it! I sat down with my Doctor and had the hardest conversation I had ever had with a "stranger", she identified with me and referred me to speak with someone. I did a few times and it felt great! I was given medication to take with instructions on what to do and what not to do, I followed them! I felt great! Life got happier, I got happier, this little girl lit up my world and all seemed well! I said it out loud and that took ALL the power away from Postpartum Depression. I claimed my life back and honestly I felt really good because I did that! I recognized my problem, identified it, and I solved it! I made that choice!
 |
| Picture by http://picturedmomentsbyapril.co/shake-the-shame-of-postpartum-depression/ |
This pregnancy, no doubt to anyone that knows me, has been an experience all on it's own. There are a lot of things happening, but as for being "high risk" or "incompetent cervix", I feel a lot more strength this time around. Maybe it's cause I'm older now or because we got through it once already, or maybe it's both! I did not have a lot of time to truly enjoy my last pregnancy, as I was scared and lonely for most of it. I want to enjoy this experience, for me, for Ava, for Bruce. This is a different pregnancy and I need to keep that perspective in mind as I approach road blocks both physically and mentally!
As I'm approaching my final few weeks of pregnancy, my final pregnancy, I feel strength! I definitely feel like I am heading into this situation much more prepared in every single aspect of what I could possibly be facing after the baby is here. But most importantly, I feel empowered with knowledge and with this knowledge, I can prepare.
Meeting Kami from Full Moon Mothering at the Busy Bump Baby Shower, I think was a blessing in disguise! If you read my review on this baby shower and what I had to say about Kami, you will remember that her area of profession was one I was the most ignorant about and I am truly inspired by what she does and I firmly believe that I have not even began to scratch the surface of what she does! But nonetheless, I won her prize package, which consisted of a Baltic Amber necklace with a pendant made by Amy of Mandal Journey to celebrate birth, it has a mother and father having just given birth, with a doula (or midwife) and an essential oil of my choosing.
 |
| Thanks again Kami! |
I went with the New Mama essential oil to help balance hormones during the postpartum period. It's a blend of oils specifically for the emotional and physical upheaval of that time! This sounds perfect and right up my alley, as my newest ailment that I have identified within this pregnancy is also anxiety. I believe it's a social thing and perhaps hence why I have turned to blogging? This will be something I deal with fully after baby arrives, it has been an ongoing conversation with my doctor throughout this pregnancy. We have a plan and furthermore, I am considering doing the Placenta Encapsulation, after reading some of the benefits this can bring both mother and baby!
I acknowledge that I am susceptible to Postpartum Depression. I want to ensure that I am taking all measures to prevent it from happening again this time, and if it does, how to identify it quickly and not give IT any more power or strength within my life! I have said it, I'm not ashamed by it and I would love to see all people just admit it if you've been there, or if you are there, to get help. This monster doesn't need any more power and it doesn't need to be a quiet hush behind closed doors. It's real and we all go through it!
Men: Would you want your sister, your mother, your daughter to suffer quietly? No? Then say it if you have it, or have lived with it! I think most people can admire the courage it takes for a man to say it than by the physical strength that men can judge either by.
Mommies/Women: You would NEVER want another mommy, or your daughter when she becomes one or any other female to suffer quietly from any ailment, let alone one like depression. Speak up! I dare you! Together, let's take all the power away from depression and turn our own volume up!
Now you know my story! I had it, I'm susceptible to it, and I refuse to encourage Depression to ever take part of my life away. That strength I WILL give to my daughters! Will you say it out loud? What strength will you give to your family? Will YOU make the CHOICE to remove Depressions power from YOUR life?
 |
| Picture by: http://www.ericafustero.com/2013/11/monsters-worst-nightmare/ |
No comments:
Post a Comment